Childhood Worries
In this season of Halloween, I thought it appropriate to talk about Fear and Anxieties.
A little fear is good. A little fear keeps us safe from harm. A little fear keeps us locking our doors at night, looking both ways before crossing a street, and for us women, stepping off the elevator if we find we are alone in one with a strange looking man.
Some parents are quick to say to their kids, “Don’t be afraid,” or “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” This undermines the child’s reality. They feel afraid. It is their emotion. It is what they are experiencing. They should not be made to feel that their emotions are wrong or bad. Better to say something reassuring like, “I’m right here,” or, “I believe in you.”
Below I’ve reprinted an earlier newsletter, with 3 topics:
- Common Childhood Worries
- What Parents Can Do
- When to Seek Professional Help
If you have frequent fears or anxieties, I can help. Please call me as soon as possible at 847-962-5234 or visit my website.
Common Childhood Worries
Anxiety is one of the most common reasons people come to my office. It is worry that sometimes makes us feel we are in control. Our thoughts go like this: If we worry enough about it, it won’t happen. In childhood, many symptoms of anxiety may show up as physical issues, or simple refusal to do something.
Children worry about lots of things. It is normal to be concerned about having enough friends, getting good grades, the dark, monsters and being safe.
When we worry, we are thinking about what potentially “could” happen. Fears can be defined as thoughts about a perceived negative future.
What Parents Can Do
First and foremost, be aware how much you are pushing your child. If the child is truly afraid, and, after several verbal promptings refuses, make some adjustments.
For example, suppose a child is afraid to order his meal at a restaurant. After a few promptings of, “Please tell the waiter what you’d like to eat,” and the child refuses to speak, ask the child to point to the picture on the children’s menu. Maybe the child will point, if the parent also points. If they still refuse, ask the waiter to come back in a few minutes, and order for him.
Another “approximation” may be using sign language, or writing a note. If a child is too anxious to say “Thank you” to a peer or adult after receiving a gift, perhaps the child can use the sign language, or write a note of gratitude after arriving home.
By no means should a parent “feed” the anxiety by allowing a child to continue to miss school due to fears. If a child complains of stomach aches and the doctor has ruled out medical reasons, try to make a concession. Perhaps the child can attend half the school day, and then use the usual TV time to focus on reading, and completing homework. Perhaps the child can stay home for “boring day,” meaning, no TV, no computer games, no phone calls, etc.
As far as fear of the dark goes, I’ve made it a conscious point to never display or even resemble a fear of the dark in front of my own child. That means that I never hesitated to walk around without many lights on. I would laugh and make “puppet shadows” on the wall, while laying on the bed of my daughter right before she fell asleep. I’d act as natural as possible, nearly pretending that I could see in the dark (the Cinderella nightlight helped guide my way). Occasionally, I’d wait a few minutes upon arriving home before flipping on all the lights. I’m happy to report that it worked! She shows no signs of any fear of the dark!
Above all, parents should check their own anxiety levels. If there is a family history of anxiety, or the parent has his/her own anxiety, get help. Any help that a parent seeks can only help, himself and his child. A child picks up on cues that a parent puts out. For example, if a parent seems nervous while speaking with a bank teller, waiter, or a store clerk, a child will likely see this, and learn that these are fearful situations. On the other hand, if a parent is at ease in nearly every social situation, a child will follow suit.
When to Seek Professional Help
Though difficult to generalize, a parent should seek professional help from a trained counselor and/or doctor when the anxiety is disrupting normal everyday life. When worries become stomach-aches, school refusal, not wanting to participate in previously enjoyable sports, something may be more than just normal worry.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Does my child lose sleep because of his/her fears and anxieties?
- Does my child avoid going to school?
- Does my child avoid activities previously enjoyed?
- Have I taken my child to the doctor, and the doctor has said that nothing is medically wrong?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it may be time to seek professional help. Call me if you’d like an assessment, or to set an appointment at 847-962-5234.