By admin
It is vitally important to be consistent with our children. We need to let our “yes” be “yes” and our “no” be “no.” If we change our minds, or cave in to the pressure that our children will use, we are not providing a stable foundation upon on which they can trust, and build their lives, and get along in the adult world.
I read a fascinating chapter in a parenting book recently about the three types of “no.” The author was saying that we might be confusing our kids because there are 3 meanings to the word. One is “Never,” as in “Never stick anything in the electrical socket.” If we want our kids to learn basic safety, manners, respect, or self-control, we need to use the word, “Never,” when teaching them how to behave.
The second meaning is “Not Now.” Perhaps an activity, event, food, or clothing they want can be allowed in the future, but not now. We can clarify that for them by saying, “Yes, later….” or “Not now…” or “Not
today…”
By admin
The Golden Rule states that we should, “Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.” It says that we ought to be treating other people the way we want to be treated (not necessarily the way they ARE treating us, but the way we WANT to be treated).
Imagine a husband who forgets to take out the trash. His wife responds with yelling and throws an adult tantrum. She belittles him, calling him names, like “stupid” and “forgetful.” She does this many times a day, for years. How long will they have a great relationship?
Why, then, do we think we can treat children that way? Any yelling, anger, putdowns, name-calling and disrespect will harm the relationship we have with our children.
If our relationship with our children is one filled with love, peace, respect and appreciation, our children will at the very least learn what it means to be in a good relationship, regardless of their own behavior within that relationship.
We must take the higher road. We must be the ones to demonstrate respect. We must be the examples of how to handle our own emotions when others do things, and we feel upset and angry. We can show our children how to walk away, how to take time-outs, how to deal with disrespect. We are the example to them.
For more examples about this, read this fascinating, short article.
By admin
There is a big difference between Praising children and Encouraging children. The goal is to move away from praise, and towards encouragement.
Stop the Praise Craze!
Praise is “Good Job!” and “Terrific!” and “That’s cool!” Praise is only good for children who have high self-esteem, and for those who don’t really need it. Praise is hollow, empty. It is vague and unspecific. It makes children with less than ideal self-esteem cringe. It sounds phony to them. After praise, some children think, “Yeah, right, lady. What do you want from me now?” Many children and adults feel manipulated by praise.
Praise is also addicting – children seem to need it more and more, especially if their inner self-talk is negative. It is an external validation, and one that is not very useful for most children.
Encouragement however, is helpful.
Encouragement spells out what the adult noticed. “I noticed you colored this part blue, and that part green,” goes a LOT farther than “Good Job.” It is specific. Children think to themselves, “Yep, I did that part blue, and that part green. She must really like it.” Encouragement is good for children who may have medium to low self-esteem. It is specific and honest. It helps children to develop their own positive self-talk. It helps a child to create their own internal validation, and is very useful for most children.
Instead of praise, like, “Yay Billy!” why not use encouragement: “Billy, I noticed you put on your boots by yourself.” It will build the relationship between you and the child, because it is more honest and specific. Children learn to trust that you mean what you say, and say what you mean.
