Balanced Parenting

By admin

There has to be a balance between the “love” side of parenting and the “responsibility” side of parenting.

The Love Side

I know a family in which the mother was emotionally abused as a child. Even after years of personal counseling, she still had things to learn. She was great at being a dictator to her children. It is natural and easy for her to yell, scream, and set up very strict limits. She is a drill sergeant, who can set up consequences faster than most parents.

But when her child came home complaining about being teased at school, she was stumped. What drill sergeant method works for that? She wanted to help her child have a positive self-image, but didn’t know how to help him have that. She needed training.

She sought help. She came to me, and we discussed many things she could do to help her children. She learned how she was repeating the same things her parents did. She grieved the pain from her own childhood experiences, so she could move on to learn new parenting skills.

Her child is now learning specific techniques for coping with the teasing and bullying at school. Her child now truly feels the love and acceptance from her mother. The child is benefiting from this mother’s hard work.

The Responsibility Side

I know a family whose 14 year old daughter never had to earn any money. She doesn’t do chores, and doesn’t contribute to the household duties. It has never been expected of her. When she wants to go to the mall, or to the movies with her friends, her parents give her $40. She doesn’t pick up her room, because her mom always does it for her. She doesn’t have to clear the table, do dishes or vacuum, because her mom always does it for her. She has an attitude of entitlement, and can’t figure out why school is so “hard.” (Because her mom can’t do school for her, perhaps.) Though well-meaning, this mom is enabling her daughter to continue to be irresponsible.

I know another family whose 7 year old daughter asks for scholastic books from the book order form every month. Her parents say the same thing, every month, “Do you have money for that?” At one point, she ran around the house, doing every paid chore on the list, the night before the book order was due. She earned $6, and chose one of the books on the list. These parents are working hard to teach their children about responsibility.

These small choices of parents can set up a child to have an attitude of gratitude and responsibility, or an attitude of entitlement. Which one is likely to work hard, as an adult? Which one is likely to contribute to society, knowing that her contributions, help herself, and her community? Which one is likely to become a “victim” of society, claiming “it wasn’t my fault,” being fired, going bankrupt, or collecting welfare?

Yelling

By admin

Yelling is the most common thing a parent or teacher can do when attempting to discipline children. YET, it is the Least Effective.

Why? Children tune out when adults yell. Or, they feel entitled to argue back, yell back or at the very least feel angry or hurt about the way the adult is acting.

Just the other day, I was very upset about my child not completing her chores so that we could go do something. At first, I reacted. I yelled and pleaded. She argued back, and whined about how hard things were, and how many physical pains she had, and how she really wanted to go do this special something.

It was only when I empathized with her, and stated out loud my sadness that she quickly turned around her attitude and started helping with the numerous chores that had to be done.

It dawned on me that I have taught her well: When I start feeling sad for her, and using empathy, she knows that a consequence for her behavior is coming: either a good consequence or a bad one. It really was her choice. And, she had nothing to rebel against, except herself. So she chose wisely. She worked hard, and we got to attend the special event.

My lesson: Yelling doesn’t work. It focuses the child’s attention on how upset she is at the adult, and doesn’t let the natural consequences be the teacher.

Stealing

By admin

Sam was caught stealing. His parents knew it was wrong so Sam got yelled at, and a lecture. Sam was sad, bitter and angry at his parents. He felt awful, and his self-esteem went down. The parents returned the item, apologizing to the manager.

John was also caught stealing. Only his parents tried a different move. They felt really sad for him. They put their arms around him, and said only once, “Stealing is wrong.” They took him back to the store, and had him talk directly with the manager on duty, apologize, and return the item herself. Tears welled up in his eyes. He felt scared of the store manager, and was embarrassed by his behavior. His parents hugged him again, and said, “We love you. We feel sad for you. This is really sad.” Then after a few seconds, “Let’s get going now.”

• Which child probably felt strong emotions towards the parents?
• Which child probably felt a little closer to the parents?
• Which child probably learned the lesson that was intended to be learned?