LOVE, part 2


Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate the sweetheart, and others that we love. But when we take a serious look at all the other 364 days of the year, and evaluate our dearest relationship (typically marriage), what would we think?

Marriage is a challenging relationship, but if we can understand how our expectations of how the relationship should go, and how our spouse expect6s how the relationship should go, and the tendencies of each, we will have deeper and better understanding of ourselves, our spouse, and why it is we act the ways we do.

I’m reading a book called “How We Love,” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, which delineates 5 types of love imprinting that we have received as children, in our families of origin. The authors spell out in great detail how each love imprint operates, thinks and expects love to work. Below is an extremely brief explanation of each one.

The Avoider – Typically, this person is “fine,” and gets over things quickly. Emotions were rarely discussed in the avoider’s family of origin, and emotional intimacy is foreign and frightening. This person needs his/her space, and feels happiest when others don’t want a lot from him/her.

The Pleaser – This person is working hard to make sure that nobody is upset with him/her. The pleaser anticipates other’s needs, and meets them, and finds it difficult to say “no” to others. This person is typically good at keeping the peace, and dislikes conflicts.

The Vascillator – Often, the vasicillator feels that nobody truly understands what needs s/he has. This person’s family of origin had inconsistent emotional connection, and felt let down by parents frequently. Sometimes, this person picks a fight and is not sure why. The vascillators are on a quest to find consistent love.

The Controller – This person is very angry, most of the time. Growing up, nobody protected the controller, so s/he learned that in life, you either are in control, or you will be controlled. Highly independent, this person usually doesn’t understand his/her childhood, except that s/he is glad that it’s over.

The Victim – This person experienced a great deal of intense anger and chaos in his/her family of origin. The victim typically goes with the flow, so that others won’t be angry or upset. Calm moments produce anxiety, and this person thinks that the bad stuff is just around the corner.

The Secure Connector – This is the goal of all healthy relationships! This person understands emotions, and is comfortable with both giving and receiving love. This person can clearly and easily communicate needs, while at the same time, see the strengths and weaknesses without judgment or idolizing them.

If you and your spouse want deeper understanding of yourselves, and your marriage, please contact me today. I know I can help you improve your understanding and appreciation of the different love styles.

Faith Gallup, LCSW